Body Image

I’ve been posting a lot about food because, well, I love to eat but I think it’s time to mix it up a bit. If you follow me on any social media sites, you know that I’ve posted about this before. I thought I would go into a little more detail now & just get a few things out there that have been bouncing around in my head lately.

Before I found crossfit I was an active/athletic person, I worked out regularly whether it was running, playing basketball, taking spin classes at Gold’s Gym, popping a workout video in at home, etc. I was also very mindful of what I ate, which really wasn’t a whole lot. I thought the less I ate & the more I controlled what I put in my mouth the more weight I would lose. This did help for a while considering I was wearing a size 2 regularly. I had that female mindset of wanting that small waist, small pants size & relying on the scale to determine my mood for the day– if it showed me a steady 135 lbs. it was going to be a good day. I was also an extremely picky eater; if it wasn’t in my small category of food groups I wouldn’t eat it – most vegetables (yuck), meat (yuck). I ate chicken here & there but I would have spurts of becoming a vegetarian & then falling off the wagon after inhaling a cheeseburger. I was all over the place. If I could’ve eaten junk food & candy all day, I probably would’ve & made myself completely sick in the process. Obviously these eating habits took a toll on my working out & having the energy to do so.

ENTER crossfit.

I still remember my first class with my friend, Kateri. We showed up at 6:00 p.m. at Capital Crossfit in Loudoun & the “WOD” (what the hell does that mean?) was 50 Power Cleans (135/95) for time. I had no idea what a Power Clean was but I had already told myself that there was no way I could do 50 of them before the class was over, so I told myself to just do the best I could. We met the coach, went through the warm up & demonstration on a proper Power Clean. I scaled the weight to 80# because 95# seemed terrifying to me – meanwhile that 50 reps was haunting me. I kept asking myself, “Who can do 50 of these?? There is just no way. This is crazy. Why am I here?? I don’t even like to lift. Great idea, Danielle. Why can’t we run??”

The coach gave us the countdown – 3, 2, 1 & then started the timer. I did one rep at a time & they were u-g-l-y ….“You ain’t got no alibi – you ugly. Yeah, yeah you ugly!” Sorry, just had to. Getting back to the reps - not only were they ugly but they were painful. I was either hitting my collar bone with the bar, one of my wrists wouldn’t flip under the bar to land the Clean, and one rep I actually hit myself in the chin with the bar. Yep, I was in hell. 50 reps of hell. To make matters worse, the coach had announced during the WOD that “Everyone will finish their 50 reps, I don’t care if it takes you all night, you aren’t leaving here until you’ve finished.” At that moment Kateri & I looked at each other with exhausted & shocked expressions. She then pointed at me & said, “This was all your idea.” She was right, this was my idea – the worst idea that I’ve ever had.

Believe it or not, Kateri & I finished that WOD before the 7:00 class started. I don’t remember our exact times but we were the last 2 people in the class to finish. Our bodies were bruised, our hands were red, raw & blistered & we looked completely exhausted - then our post-WOD euphoria set in – we felt strong, confident & proud of ourselves for making it out alive. We went back the next day & became members. =)

Since starting crossfit my body has made some serious changes. In the beginning I was more of the bodyweight crossfitter, weights weren’t all that appealing to me & I didn’t really care how much I could Clean, Jerk, Squat, Snatch or Deadlift. I just wanted to kill the cardio WODs.

Kateri & I.

My first crossfit competition.

ENTER competitions.

After switching gears from a crossfitter to a crossfit competitor my body changed again. I felt like I had a good balance of cardio & lean muscle. I was putting up average weights but nothing extremely impressive. I was happy with my body image during this phase. There wasn’t a WOD that I would do without taking my shirt off, it became a staple in my training. It’s true what they say, working out will give you confidence. I had also started seeing a sports nutritionist to help with this life change. I wanted to eat & fuel my body properly in order to perform.

Raleigh Superfit competition.

Jenn & I training at the box.

ENTER weights & protein shakes.

After finding crossfit competitions & having them become a regular part of my weekends, my body changed again. I wanted to lift more & started to care about PRing & seeing how far I could push my body. My eating habits changed, I eat more than I have ever eaten before & I'm always hungry. I’m thicker than I was & not so lean, my shoulders are broader, my thighs are bigger & my back is wider. I have all the signs that point to lifting weights.

Training at the box.

Post-WOD selfie.

Richmond Superfit competition.

Most days I like my body, especially those days when I’m PRing my Squat Clean, Snatch, etc. But I still have those days, even now, where I daydream about that leaner body image & wishing I had it. I think those days come more often when my clothes are fitting snug & I’m refusing to go up a size because dammit I want that size 4, I don’t want to move up to a 6! It’s that female mindset creeping in & trying to tell me that women aren’t supposed to look like I do. I should be smaller, more slender, more “womanly” – what the hell does that even mean?? I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with people who feel the need to negatively comment on my figure. I’ll be the first person to say that lifting isn’t for everyone, but don’t knock it just because it’s not for you. Accept that everyone’s different & that everyone has their own interests. Accept it & move on.

I’ve come to the realization that I’ll probably always daydream about that leaner body image but if being a little thicker, a little more broad shouldered & a little bigger in the thighs means that I get to lift….& lift heavier weights - I’m perfectly fine with that. Lifting makes me happy. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel confident. It makes me feel strong. So remember to do what you love & what makes you happy – everything else will fall into place. =)